


Love is Not Enough to See This Journey Through

by lilaussieauthor, theauthenticme



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Cheryl needs therapy, Choni in love, Emotional Hurt, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Season 3 finale spoilers, Soft Cheryl, Soft Toni, choni, our take on what happened after the finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-03-08 19:03:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18900748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaussieauthor/pseuds/lilaussieauthor, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theauthenticme/pseuds/theauthenticme
Summary: Cheryl's been through her fair share of traumas, and Toni's been by her side for many of them. But Toni's getting worried, and she thinks Cher might need more help - professional help, help that Toni can't give her. Both of them are broken, and sometimes, there's things that can't be fixed with hugs and kisses alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After the season finale, I think many of us Choni lovers had similar feelings about Cheryl's ending to season 3.
> 
> It's fair to say that after all Cheryl has been through, she needs therapy to help her deal with and make sense of it all.
> 
> This fic will address that and will bridge the gap from season 3 to season 4 and address what we feel needs addressing that we'll probably never see on the show.
> 
> I am so happy that lilaussieauthor and I are able to bring you this fanfiction. It is our first multi chapter together and I am looking forward to seeing where it goes!

 

It had been a hard few days. Of course, Toni had soaked up every inch of Cheryl’s affection, given her every ounce of herself back, because she’d missed her so much - not just while she’d been with Penelope and Cheryl had been at the farm - it had stemmed from way before that, before it all, since the very first time Betty had enlisted her help with knocking out the farm from the inside out.

Cheryl had been distant then, and thank _god_ she was returning to her, she’d missed her so. They’d been on top of each other ever since that dreadful night, when Cheryl’s witch of a mother had tried to kill them all, never not holding each other, rarely without lips on each other’s.

Toni hadn’t realised just how much she’d missed Cheryl until that first night back, when they’d made out, made love until both of them were so sensitive and full of love they’d passed out curled up in each other’s arms.

And it had been no different since - even right now, Toni’s lips were attached to Cheryl’s, her legs wrapped around the redhead’s waist, but she could tell that both their minds were elsewhere.

Hers, for example, was wondering exactly why Cheryl, mere days after returning to her, seemed distant once more, hardly ever being at home, and when she was, being withdrawn and jittery.

Toni, as if she hadn’t been worried enough for the health of her redheaded girlfriend, found herself full of anxiety once more... she trusted Cheryl, she did, she was just concerned...

Cheryl was so pleased to be free of the farm. Once she found out what they were doing she felt sick to her stomach and was so thankful that all of those she loved had been able to escape.

Her mind was full and preoccupied, but she wanted to enjoy every second with her girlfriend.

...

"I love you TT" she whispered against her lips, detaching themselves from each other and laying down on her side of the bed. "It's late, we should sleep.."

“Sleep is overrated" Toni whispered, rolling over and nestling her face into Cheryl’s neck. “I just want you.”

"I want you too.." she promised. "I'm just..really tired tonight. Maybe we can continue our little rendezvous in the morning?"

“Okay,” Toni smiled, her ever-anxious brain whirring. “Is - is everything okay? With us?”

"Of course. More than okay TT..."

“Okay,” Toni whispered meekly. “Just checking.”

Cheryl loved how Toni cared so much. She snuggled into her, resting a hand on Toni's stomach as they laid in bed. It didn't take long for Toni to fall asleep, Cheryl taking comfort in watching her calm and gentle breathing.

Cheryl on the other hand, could not sleep at all. She pulled her phone off the night stand and checked it. Time seemed to be barely moving, each time she looked, hardly any time had passed at all.

Toni woke with a slight gasp at about 2am, her chest rising and falling quickly as she tried to calm herself from the nightmares she’d become so used to.

She’d gotten relatively good at calming herself without Cheryl, but tonight was kind of bad, and so she rolled over and prepared herself to wake the redhead, only to find her already looking right at her.

"Toni? Are you okay?" Cheryl worried, wondering what had woken Toni from her previously peaceful slumber.

“Fine... fine,” she whispered, rolling over and snuggling in to Cheryl. “Just dreaming... I’m fine... why... why are you awake?”

"Me? Oh uh..I must have known you were having a nightmare and woken up. I think I woke up just before you did T."

Toni shivered, nestling closer. "R-Really?"

"Uhuh..yep.." she nodded enthusiastically. "Must have sensed you were having a nightmare."

The shorter girl's face crumpled. "Oh... okay."

"Wanna talk about your nightmare?"

"No... no thanks," Toni smiled forcefully. "Just... I wanna be near you..." Since she'd been away from Cheryl when she escaped, knowing nothing about her wellbeing, Toni found herself plagued with increasing thoughts and nightmares about losing the redhead... not being able to help her...

"I'm right here babe..and I'm not going anywhere okay?" Cheryl whispered against Toni's ear, holding her close.

“Okay,” Toni whispered back. “I... I love you.” She felt like she had to say it every time...make sure Cheryl knew in case the impossible happened. “Is everything okay? You’re... you seem..quiet.”

"I love you too" Cheryl promised. "And everything is fine with me..I'm fine. Just glad to have you back in my arms."

“Me too,” Toni murmured, her eyes fluttering closed again as she held Cheryl close.

Cheryl was glad to see Toni fall back to sleep so easily, safe in her arms.

Toni woke at dawn to an empty bed and flailed around for a second before snapping her eyes open. “Cher?” She called, and when she got no answer, she sat up and pulled a blanket around her body, looking around with a confused and slightly worried look on her pretty face.

When she didn’t see her girlfriend, she pulled herself off the bed with a heavy groan and shuffled downstairs, growing increasingly worried as she failed to find Cheryl in any of the many rooms at Thistle House.

...

Cheryl had just _had_ to go check in Jason. No-one knew she had him in the ruins of Thornhill and that was how she wanted it to stay. Nobody would I understand that she simply couldn't bare to let him go again so soon. She'd only just got him back.

Toni had no idea where Cheryl had gone, and, after everything that had happened in the last few weeks, she was growing more and more worried. She’d called Cheryl twice now, no answer, and she felt as though she was on the very verge of a panic attack, not knowing if Penelope had come back or if Edgar had done something...

Cheryl snuck through the door quietly, hoping Toni was still asleep. She crept back up to their bedroom, pulling her sweats off and climbing into bed, not even noticing that Toni wasn't there.

Toni’s breath caught as she rushed back up the stairs, bursting into their room with a half sigh, half sob. “Cher" she gasped. “Where - where have you been?!”

"Toni?" Cheryl reached her hand to the other side of the bed and realized Toni was not in it with her. "Toni..I was just..I..I went for a run. It's much quieter at dawn."

"Oh..." Toni whispered, a sick feeling settling in her stomach as she realised Cheryl wasn't telling her the full truth. "Okay... I just... got worried."

"Don't worry about me TT. I'm all good" Cheryl forced a smile onto her lips. "Are you coming back to bed?"

Toni bit her lip, crawling back in and settling against the redhead, shivers wracking her small body. "Cher?"

"Uhuh?" She whispered, still facing away from Toni as she answered.

"I'm scared," the smaller girl admitted, her voice quiet.

"What? Why?" She hated the thought of Toni being anything other than okay.

"I feel like I'm losing you all over again," Toni said, trembling as she tried to voice her concerns without upsetting Cheryl. "I don't know what's going on in your head but... something's _up_ Cher, I can tell, and I guess I just... we said we could tell each other everything, and... last time we kept stuff from each other..." she trailed off, chest sinking. "You know what happened."

"You're not losing me.." Cheryl whispered, rolling over to look at Toni. "The only thing going on in my head.."  _that I can talk about_ she thought. "Is that.. what went on at the farm was so..awful. How if Betty hadn't come in when she did they would have done god knows what to you and I wouldn't have been able to stop them."

"But..." Toni's voice cracked - annoyingly, since the farm, she's been emotional and clingy but she couldn't seem to help it! "I..." She was so confused and unsure of what was going on between them.

"Toni..we're solid okay? No matter what, me and you are solid." She knew Toni was worrying about that.

"Promise?" It was all stupid insecurity, these tiny thoughts entering Toni's mind and not leaving.

"With all my heart" Cheryl took Toni's hand and brought it up to her lips, kissing it softly.

Toni felt her chest loosen with Cheryl's words, with her lips, and she sighed. "You know you can tell me anything," she whispered softly.

Cheryl nodded, although her heart clenched and she blinked back tears, so grateful the room was dark. There was _something_ she couldn't tell Toni, she wouldn't understand. "I know.." she whispered. "You can with me too."

"I know" Toni whispered. She had this... feeling. Call it girlfriend's intuition, but she knew something was up. And Toni Topaz was a fighter. She wasn't going to let it drop.

Cheryl laid back down, turning away from Toni again as she rolled onto her side.

"No..." Toni whimpered softly. "Please don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere" a small sigh escaped her lips.

 _But it feels like you are!_ Toni wanted to scream. "Right," she said instead. "Sorry."

Cheryl's mind felt full. She couldn't even explain how she felt..what thoughts she had. She didn't even understand herself. "I just thought you might want to sleep. I know I'm tired after my..my run.."

"Right," Toni said again, rolling over onto her side, hot tears pricking at her eyes. "Right... okay."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" Cheryl whispered, hearing the upset in Toni's voice and feeling so guilty.

"It's fine," Toni whispered brokenly, wrapping shaking arms around herself. "Get some rest."

"Toni.." Cheryl turned over, rolling closer to Toni. "I can't sleep knowing I have upset you. Here look..you stay in the bed. I'll..im..I'll go next door.." she went to the spare bedroom, closing the door and falling onto the bed with a sob.

"No... no!" Toni was up like a flash, scrambling off the bed and towards the spare bedroom. God, why couldn't Cheryl just _get_ that she needed her - that she needed _them_. She pushed the door open with a gasp, looking, panicking, as her eyes fell to the shaking redhead. "Cheryl..."

Cheryl whimpered, hearing Toni enter the room, unable to form words as she sobbed harder.

"Baby..." Toni whispered, and they were both crying, both breaking in their own way. "Ch-Cher..."

Cheryl reached out for Toni, her trembling frame not even knowing what she needed.

And so they fell, each against the other, tangled up on the spare bed. Toni was both crying and trying to soothe, gasping for breath while she tried to coax Cheryl back.

There hadn't been a day lately where one of them hadn't ended up like this, but with both halves of the tender relationship so weak and vulnerable at the same time, neither was sure what to do.

"I feel so lost.." Cheryl whispered. "Nothing feels right when I'm not with you."

"I kn-know," Toni said, her voice shuddering. "God Cher, I know."

"I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.."

"Shit, I know." Toni whispered. "I'm so lost... so confused. What are we _doing_ Cher? Where do we go from here?"

Cheryl shrugged, her body tensing again. "I..I..I want to tell you something. But I don't know if I _can_ " she sobbed again.

"You can" Toni promised quickly. "You can, you _can_." She gripped Cheryl's hand like a vice, trying to remind her girlfriend of the countless times she'd listened to crazy things the redhead had done... and never once judged or thought differently about her. "I won't... nothing can change how I feel about you."

Cheryl couldn't stop another sob escaping her lips as she listened to Toni's words. _sure_ , she said that _now_. But she didn't know yet..

"Baby, I _love_ you," Toni whispered. "Forever... and always. Nothing - _nothing_ \- can change that."

"At the farm..after you escaped... something happened that I haven't told you about.." she started quietly.

"Okay," Toni said simply, gently encouraging her to go on with a squeeze of her hand.

"I..I was trying to prove to Kevin and Fangs that Edgar was harvesting organs. But when I went to where they were..he'd moved them all. So..I went looking for other proof."

"Other proof, babe?" Toni coaxed.

"That Edgar was..was a fake.."

"Okay..."

"And..and..I came to the room where I usually talked to JJ. But it was different this time..when Edgar wasn't there.." she choked on a sob.

"Hey... hey," Toni said, wiping Cheryl's cheek softly. "Shh... you don't have to tell me if it hurts... but I'm _here_ , Cher... you're okay."

"No..no..I _do_ Toni. I need to tell you."

"I want to hear" Toni said truthfully.

Cheryl let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. "There was someone in there..in a wheelchair.."

"Oh?" Toni asked, growing increasingly confused.

"I..I got closer..and it..it was.." she sobbed again.

"Hey, you're alright," Toni murmured, gathering her close. "Shh... talk to me, babe."

"It was JJ. But it wasn't like when I talked to him before. He..he was..he was dead Toni.." she felt bile rising in her throat.

"Oh, _Cher_ " Toni whispered, rubbing her back as she felt anger surge through her body. She couldn't believe the terrible power Edgar had lorded over them, couldn't believe how he'd broken her already crumbling girlfriend more.

"And he was just..he was there..his body..but he wasn't..he wasn't JJ. Not the JJ I knew."

"Sweetie," Toni whispered softly. "Cher..."

"And I..I couldn't just... leave him there.."

Toni froze. "No?"

"So..I..I did something.." she whispered.

"Did what, baby?" Toni breathed, holding her close.

Cheryl froze, unable to force the next sentence out of her mouth.

"It's me Cher," Toni reminded her gently.

"I don't want you to hate me. Or think I'm crazy. I'm not..I swear I'm not.."

"I could never hate you," Toni promised. "And you're _not_ crazy, Cheryl. I know you're not."

"I brought JJ home...."

"H-Home?" Toni stuttered. "Here?" She stopped herself. _Just make sure she knows she's okay._ "I don't think you're crazy."

"No, not here.." she shook her head slowly.

"W-Where, then?"

"To..to Thornhill.."

"Thornhill, huh?" Toni asked shakily. "B-Back to his grave?"

"No..not back to his grave.." she mumbled. "I put him in his old room.."

"Oh... okay," Toni smiled reassuringly, her mind whirring. "Okay. What's... What's he doing there?"

"Doing? He's not _doing_ anything Toni. He's..he's dead.." she mumbled with a sob.

 _Right, I’m an idiot_ Toni thought, but she didn’t say anything out loud, instead pulling Cheryl against her with soothing whispers.

"You..you don't think I'm crazy?" She whispered.

“No... no, of course not,” Toni assured her. “You're grieving baby.... but you're not alone in this. I’m here, okay? I’m here for you.”

"I don't want to bury him again yet, I can't bare to say goodbye all over again.." she let out another sob.

“Okay, okay, that’s okay,” Toni soothed her. “Shh, it’s okay, Cher, you’re fine... you’re okay.” She rubbed her back softly, pressing her lips to Cheryl’s hairline in a soft kiss.

"It doesn't feel that way" Cheryl whispered.

“I know baby,” Toni murmured. “But it will be, okay? We’re gonna work this out... together... okay?”

"Okay.." she sniffed with a nod, not knowing how any of this could be fixed.

Toni sighed, pulling her impossibly closer against her chest, tilting her head up so their foreheads touched.

She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about the whole thing, but it was _Cheryl_ , it was them- they’d work through it. They always did.

Cheryl clung to Toni..not knowing what else to do but knowing Toni was the only thing anchoring her to anything right now.

“I got you,” Toni whispered, over and over again. “You’re safe.” She had the inexplicable need to have Cheryl in her arms, as if the only way her safety was guaranteed was if she was holding her.

"Thank you" she whispered, closing her eyes as she clung to Toni. "Please don't leave me".

“Not leaving,” Toni promised. “Not ever.”

"Even after everything?" she checked, her insecurities shining through.

“Even after everything,” Toni promised her again.

Cheryl had never felt more relieved to have Toni by her side as she did in that moment.

“I love you" Toni whispered.

"You too" she spoke into Toni's chest.

“We’re gonna be okay.”

"I hope so" Cheryl whispered, trusting Toni.

“I know so.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Notes:

This chapter contains what I would call some..emotional growth. Let me know if you agree in a comment after you've read it! Enjoy chapter 2 😊

...

Cheryl felt a weight off her now Toni knew about Jason. She had been dreading telling her and Toni had taken it better than Cheryl had expected.

It had been a few days since she told her and Cheryl was waiting for the inevitable moment when Toni would tell her they had to bury him again. She just didn't know if she could yet.

Toni wasn't quite sure what to do about the whole Cher-keeping-Jason's-decaying-body-in-her-childhood-home scenario. She thought it would be best if they reburied him, but she also knew that after months of 'talking' to him at the farm, Cheryl was even more attached and very, very sensitive when it came to saying goodbye even at the best of times.

So she kept an eye on her girlfriend, didn't say anything about it, but as she watched Cheryl, as she picked up on each and every one of the redhead's moods, it began to dawn on her that Cheryl was really, really broken. And though, of course, this didn't matter to Toni, she was beginning to realise that the cracks in Cheryl went a little deeper than she'd originally thought... possibly too deep for either of them to fix on their own.

...

"Toni?" Cheryl called, flopping on the couch beside her girlfriend. "I am so tired tonight, can we just sit here and do nothing?"

"Sounds good to me, baby," Toni grinned, shaking her head to rid it of her previous thoughts as she pulled Cheryl against her. "What about food?"

"Hmm, your choice, whatever you feel like."

Toni shrugged. "Can we order in?" She couldn't be bothered with cooking and didn't want to let Cheryl go anyway.

"Ordering in sounds perfect TT" she snuggled in to Toni's side, letting out a contented sigh to be reunited with the one she loved so much.

Toni decided to call whatever take out they wanted in a little bit, mostly because her phone was in the kitchen and she didn't want to move.

"So..." she whispered carefully. "Did you go see Jason today?"

"Uh.." Cheryl froze against Toni for a second. "Yeah..yeah..but only for a little while."

"Okay," Toni murmured, pressing her lips to the top of Cheryl's head. Her main goal right now was to assure Cheryl that she was still Toni - still nonjudgmental, still here for the Blossom heir through thick and thin.

Cheryl didn't know what to say. Part of her knew that having Jason at Thornhill was strange..but another part of her felt like it was the only thing she could do.

Toni sighed, pulling the redhead closer. "Cher... you know he can't stay there forever." She really didn't want to upset Cheryl, but she also didn't want to leave Jason there for much longer...

"So..what? I just lock him back in his coffin and bury him in the ground?"

Toni bit her lip, tears stinging behind her eyes. "No, baby... I mean, if you want to. But I think... you - we - need to do something with him... I'm not sure what... it's up to you."

"But then...then..he'd be all alone again". There was an unconscious part of her brain that hoped that maybe if she kept him there, she'd be able to talk to him again like she did at the farm.

Toni's heart broke as she watched Cheryl, so broken and confused. "He'll never be alone baby," she whispered. "You're with him, all the time. And he's with you."

"I guess so."

"Baby," Toni said quickly, suddenly determined to make Cheryl feel better, growing increasingly guilty that she'd made Cheryl feel this way. "If you wanna keep him there, we can... just, eventually, we're gonna have to move him. Not right now... at some point, okay Cher?"

"Okay" she agreed with a small nod.

Toni sighed, pulling Cheryl tight against her and wrapping a blanket around the both of them. "I love you, hey? I'm just trying to look out for you."

"I know you are. I never doubted that for a single second."

"Good" Toni murmured, pressing her lips to Cheryl's nose. "Because you Miss Blossom, are my number one priority."

"And you're mine.." she added. "You..and JJ.."

"Both of us...right" Toni nodded, feeling her chest sink just a little.

"Of course" Cheryl nodded, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Toni buried her face in Cheryl's hair only to hide the tears that dripped down her face, her heart breaking over and over at the damage that the farm - that *life* - had inflicted on her poor girlfriend.

It was hurting her to see Cheryl like this... to be on the receiving end of the brainwashed garble that spurted from Cheryl's mouth sometimes. But Toni Topaz loved Cheryl Blossom with all her heart, and she was willing to stick it out, but only for Cheryl.

"Oh god..oh god. You're crying.." Cheryl leaned closer to Toni. "What's wrong babe?"

"I-I'm not" Toni sniffed unconvincingly.

"Yes you are..what is it?" Cheryl was worried. Toni was her only bit of stability and if she wasn't okay, Cheryl didn't know what she would do.

Toni wiped her eyes with a sad smile. "Just thinking" she whispered.

"About?" Cheryl asked softly, hoping Toni would tell her.

Toni bit her lip, shaking her head as her eyes filled again.

"Please.." she was almost begging, needing to fix whatever had upset her girlfriend.

"I'm worried about you," Toni whispered, tears spilling again as she refused to meet her girlfriend's eyes.

"Worried? About me? why?" that was not what she expected to hear.

"I... don't know," Toni lied. "I just... I'm scared that Edgar got through to you... that maybe you'll leave me... I don't know Cher."

"I'm never going to leave you" Cheryl shook her head. "Why would I? You're the love of my life Toni."

"I know," Toni whispered. "But... Jason, Cher, you've loved him your whole life... I get why you'd chose him."

"I never wanted to pick. I still don't. I can't lose either of you Toni, I can't."

"I know... I know," Toni whispered, having given up for the night. "Just... let me hold you. I need to know you're okay."

Cheryl moved into Toni's outstretched arms, her anxiety heightened now.

Toni sighed. "I love you." It was the only thing she was sure of right now.

"I love you too" Cheryl whispered, relaxing into Toni's arms.

Toni held her tight, feeling Cheryl's heartbeat against her own, the only solid beat in a world they were both so lost in.

"I don't like it when you're upset. Especially not when it's me who's upset you."

"It's not you, Cher," Toni sighed. "It's this whole mess... I'm just so lost... but we'll get there. We'll figure it out."

"But how?" Cheryl felt stuck and didn't know how they'd move forwards.

"I don't know," Toni whispered, and the broken look on Cheryl's face was enough to bring her back to tears again. "I'm sorry, Cher, I don't know."

"If neither of us know..what do we do?"

Toni shrugged, feeling helpless and almost selfish as she pulled Cheryl up to meet her lips. "Take it one day at a time, till we figure it out."

"That wasn't a very reassuring answer" Cheryl sighed. She liked things to be precise. Things that were left hanging didn't help her feel in control at all.

“God Cher, I know" Toni said, clearly frustrated. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to help.”

"I know you are, I'm sorry" she muttered. She hated upsetting Toni.

Toni sighed heavily, gently rubbing her hand up and down Cheryl’s arms. “We’re both sorry. We’re both exhausted. Let’s just forget about this for tonight, okay?”

"Okay" she nodded quietly. "Whatever you fee is best T."

Toni’s chest clenched sadly. She hated fighting with Cheryl. “Babe?”

"Uhuh?" Cheryl asked, turning to look at Toni.

“I love you,” she whispered, determined to make Cheryl happier again.

"I love you too" she snuggled closer into Toni.

Toni curled her arms tighter around Cheryl, holding her close in an attempt to stay calm.

Cheryl let her eyes close briefly as she tried to focus only on Toni and how being with her made her feel.

Toni could practically feel Cheryl’s mind wandering and she sighed, pushing the redhead softly off her. “Baby? You wanna get some food?”

"Only if you do T. I'm not all that hungry."

“Me neither" Toni whispered. She sighed again, wondering if now was the right time to bring this up and then figuring Cheryl was upset with her already, might as well make it worse before she made it better. “Babe... I’ve been thinking...”

"Oh?" Cheryl looked at her. "I'm listening.."

Toni sniffed. “Please don’t hate me...” her voice was quiet.

"I could never hate you Toni" Cheryl was worried about what in earth Toni was going to say. Was this it? Was she ending it?

“Hey... hey, I love you, remember... I think maybe, Cher, it would be beneficial if you... got some professional help?” She bit her lip, words tumbling out when Cheryl didn’t respond. “Just because I’m trying, Cheryl, but I can’t help you with everything and I’m worried and I want you to be okay but I can only do so much and I...”

"Professional help? What sort of professional help?" she asked quietly.

Toni’s eyes filled again and she buried her face in Cheryl’s back. “I don’t know... maybe you need to talk to someone baby...”

Cheryl sat up from where she was laid with Toni. Talk to them about what exactly?"

“Just... everything,” Toni murmured. “Jason... your parents.. me even.”

"You? You think there's something wrong with our relationship?" Tears welled in her eyes.

“No - no, baby" Toni whimpered, regretting bringing it up immediately. “Forget I said anything. I’m sorry.”

"No..no. Please tell me Toni."

“I just think.. that some stuff that you’re dealing with is beyond what I can fix... I can listen, Cher, and I’m so, so happy to do that, but some of this... you need to feel better, Cheryl, not just to rant... I just think if you went to a psych perhaps they could give you some tips about how to feel better rather than just listen like I do... I’m happy to help you, baby, but you can’t deny that the panic attacks are getting worse... that you’re dealing with some demons that even I can’t exorcise.” She smiled sadly down at the redhead. “I love you, Cher. I’m looking out for you. You can diss it if you want, but I just thought... maybe.”

"Thank you for thinking about me" Cheryl whispered, blinking back the tears. "I think I have some homework I need to do.." she climbed off the couch and left the room, letting the tears fall freely when she was alone.

Toni watched her go with a sigh. She knew Cheryl wouldn’t be open to the idea but hoped she would warm up to it... either way, seeing her girlfriend hurt at her suggestion hurt like nothing else.

She got up on heavy feet and traipsed carefully into the kitchen, unaware of where Cheryl had gone, and bit her lip, wondering what exactly was the best course of action right now. Did she follow Cheryl - try and probably fail to calm her? Or did she leave it, let the redhead cool off, and risk their relationship falling apart. It seemed like a lose-lose situation.

Cheryl let the tears continue to fall, not knowing what to do with herself. She found her archery stuff and headed out into the grounds, forgetting her jacket in her haste.

Toni sighed as she heard the back door slam, making a split second decision. The last time they'd fought and then simply cut off all communications, it had ended with their relationship in shambles. She was damned if she was going to let that happen again.

She slipped a pair of Cheryl's slippers on with a sigh, grabbing her coat and Cheryl's jacket and slinging the first over her shoulders, trailing quickly behind her girlfriend, completely unsure of what she was going to say when she caught up to her, but determined to fix the accidental fight before it blew into something more.

Cheryl knew it was pointless trying to shoot arrows in the dark. Instead, she found herself slumped on the cold ground, crying into her hands, wondering if things would ever improve.

Toni let out a soft sob when she saw Cheryl, coming over behind her quietly and wrapping the redhead's jacket carefully over her shoulders. "Hi baby," she breathed, sitting down on the chilly ground and trying to catch Cheryl's eye. "You okay?"

Cheryl shrugged. "Not really" she mumbled through her tears. "Thanks for the jacket."

"That's okay," Toni croaked, her chest tight. "Cheryl... can we talk?"

Cheryl nodded, her teeth chattering as she pulled the jacket on properly. "Can we go in first though? I didn't realize how cold is was out here."

Toni gave her a wet smile, nodding as she stood up. She held her hand out for Cheryl to take, hoping above all that she hadn't ruined tonight too much.

Cheryl took Toni's hand, letting her pull her up and picking up her stuff. "Thank you T."

Toni nodded, closing her eyes against the tears. She opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again with a small, sad hiccup, instead pulling Cheryl along with her back towards the house.

Cheryl said nothing as they walked, it was clear to see they were both on edge and on the verge of tears.

Toni stopped her just inside the door, letting out a small sniff as she pulled Cheryl close against her, begging Cheryl to reciprocate the hug, if only to prove to her that they hadn't broken this beyond repair.

Cheryl fell into Toni's arms, holding her tight as she sobbed into her shoulder, never wanting to let her go.

The shorter girl's chest cracked, small sobs bursting from her lips as she held Cheryl close. "I got you," she said, her voice shuddering. "I've always got you... I don't wanna hurt you... I love you so much..." The lump in her throat was so big it hurt, choking cries coming up around it and falling from her trembling lips.

"I love you too" and Cheryl meant every word, going her and Toni would be okay.

Toni clung to her as they moved into the lounge, her chest heavy and a sick, nauseous feeling in her stomach as she thought about what they had to do. She sat down on the couch and squished up against Cheryl, desperate for her arms.

Cheryl didn't want to be away from Toni for a second, not trusting herself to be without her love.

“Cheryl.." Toni whispered.

"Yeah?" She asked, not daring to let go of Toni, even for a second.

“We... we need to talk baby,” Toni murmured, resting her head on Cheryl’s.

"We do.." she agreed. "I'm here..let's talk.."

"Let's talk.." Toni repeated quietly, tears still stinging at her eyes. She wasn't sure how to start the talk... least of all did she want to upset either of them further...

"Say whatever you need to say TT, it's okay.." she was trying to be mature about all of this.

"I c-can't," Toni croaked. "I can't make it w-worse... Cher... what if I do..."

"You won't..it's okay..please TT. Just say it.."

Toni took a shaky breath. "I just think that... maybe therapy would be beneficial... for both of us... not together, but... I could too... I don't know, Cher, I'm just worried that if we're b-both so broken... we can't fix each other, not p-properly... and that's not a bad thing... maybe we need more."  
She thought maybe if she used we, Cheryl might - might, be more open to the idea. Toni sniffed, biting her lip, her hands rubbing absentmindedly up Cheryl's shivering arms.

"I think you're right..therapy might be a good thing..would you..would you come with me?"

"Of course!" Toni said, too quickly, too excitedly. "Yes... yes, of course, m'love. God, Cher, I'm so proud of you..."

"I wouldn't be proud of me. Not yet anyway. What if I can't talk .. or don't know what to say..." she trailed off.

"Then I'll be there... either outside or right there with you... whatever you like..."

"Outside? No pleaseTT..I need you with me..if I'm not holding your hand I know I'll just go to pieces."

“Okay, okay...” Toni promised. “I’ll be right there, with you... I’m not leaving.”

"Thank you" Cheryl clung to Toni, sitting in silence for a while. "How do we find someone good?"

"Arizona said she knew someone" Toni whispered. "Maybe we could talk to her?" She took a deep breath, holding Cheryl tight.

"O..okay. That sounds like a good plan" Cheryl agreed quietly.

"You okay?" Toni asked softly. "Tell me what's going on in your head... please."

"I'm okay. Just worried I guess. Mother always used to say therapy was for the weak. And spilling out family secrets was also a big no no."

"Baby... you are not weak. In fact... you're so strong, for getting through this... for agreeing to this.. so, so strong. And your mother... she doesn't have any control over you now. You can say whatever you want to say... do what you want to do."

"Thank you" Cheryl needed Toni to remind of what she so frequently forgot.

"Of course," Toni whispered, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Cheryl's brow. "How about some sleep, huh? It's been a long night."

Sleep sounds perfect right about now" she agreed with a small nod.

Toni took her hand with a smile and lead her up the stairs towards their room, pulling her pyjamas on and then sliding into bed with Cheryl, pulling her tight against her with a small sigh.

They'd get through this somehow, of that she was sure. She just needed to make sure they didn't fall apart in the process.

....

Let us know what you thought in the comments below. We'd also love to know anything you'd like to see featured in this story!

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl attends her first therapy session with Toni by her side. It's not going to be an easy journey but it's going to be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 3. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Cheryl attends her first, much needed therapy session. 
> 
> Cheryl's therapist is called Lucy. If you would like to know what she looks like, I have put a picture on my twitter: theauthenticme2
> 
> There is also a poll on my twitter about Cheryl's job in our Topaz-Blossom family series. Please add your vote! 😁

 

Toni was, if possible, more worried than Cheryl about this appointment.

Granted, the redheaded girl was pacing uncontrollably, wringing her hands together, but Toni was so scared that if this didn't end well, Cheryl would blame it all on her and end things, which was the last thing she wanted to happen.

She looked up with a start as the receptionist called Cheryl's name, taking her shaking girlfriend's hand in her own and leading her gently to the door where a kind looking woman greeted them.

"Ladies, welcome..welcome.." the therapist smiled at them both as she stepped back to allow them into the room.

"I'm Dr Lucy Smith, but Lucy is just fine. Come and have a seat.." she gestured to the blue couch that lined one of the pale walls.

Toni noticed that the woman was a pretty blonde with striking blue eyes. She guessed she was probably in her thirties, dressed in a black top with strappy sleeves and and tight jeans.

Cheryl was trembling violently, her breathing shallow as her eyes met Toni's, panicked and scared. "You're okay.." Toni whispered softly as she sat down with her girlfriend. She took a moment to look around the room, a large picture of the sea on the wall behind where the therapist stood.

"H-Hi," Cheryl said shakily. "I-I'm Cheryl... and this is my girlfriend... Toni."

"It's lovely to meet you both" she smiled, hoping to put them at ease as she sat opposite them in a well used arm chair.

"I like to start off with all my new patients by finding out what's brought you here today and what you're hoping to get out of therapy. I gather that this has been booked primarily for you Cheryl, with Toni here to support you?"

Cheryl nodded as she looked down at her lap. "I'm b-broken," she said with a humourless laugh. "I want to be normal again."

Toni's heart broke as she listened silently, her hand gripping Cheryl's.

"I don't believe anyone is truly broken. Things that happen can make us feel like that but nothing is beyond repair."

Cheryl almost started crying right there and then. "Really? You really think you can fix me?"

"Not that I feel you need _fixing_..." Lucy assured her. "But yes..we can get you back to feeling how you want to feel. I can help you work through whatever has been going on for you that's made you feel broken."

Cheryl gulped. "I'd like that."

"Good. That's something for us to work on" Lucy smiled. "Can you tell me a bit about what's made you feel like you're broken?"

Cheryl froze. "Uh..."

"You're doing really well," Toni whispered. "You can do this... I know you can."

"Take your time..there's no rush.." Lucy's gentle voice soothed. "Just tell me what you can."

"L-lots of things.." Cheryl whispered, taking a moment to observe the therapist she was now sat before.

"Can you tell me about some of them?"

Cheryl shook her head quickly, squeezing Toni's hand in a death like grip.

Lucy looked at the way Cheryl sought comfort in Toni and how readily and willingly Toni gave it to her.

"You two look like you have a very strong relationship" she changed tact. "How long have you been together?"

Cheryl looked up again, tears in her eyes. "A-Almost a year and a half," she said, a small smile on her lips. "Right, TT?"

"Right, baby," Toni smiled back. "A year and a half in November."

"That's so lovely" Lucy smiled. "The love the two of you have for eachother is so clear. I'm glad that you have eachother. A support system is so important."

Cheryl nodded again. “Toni’s my rock,” she whispered. “I don’t know if I’d still be here without her.”

Lucy nodded with a smile, making a few notes in the open file on her lap. "Toni, you sound like a huge part of Cheryl's support system."

Toni almost laughed. “Yeah,” she said softly. “Pretty much her _only_ support system.”

Lucy made another note..she found Toni's comment to be particularly interesting and wanted to explore it again another time.

Cheryl looked up suddenly. “How long will I have to come here before I’m fixed?”

"How long you keep coming here all depends on what's you'd like to get out of our sessions. I sometimes have patients for as little as 6 weeks..or 6 months..I still have some coming even after 6 years. Until we start to look at things properly and in depth, it's hard to predict what will be right for you."

“Six... s-six _years_?” Cheryl whispered.

"I'm not saying you need to keep coming here for 6 years. What I mean is..there's no set time for this. I'll work with you both for as long as you need. Once we've figured out what you feel needs fixing, as you put it, we can start to work on improving things."

Cheryl nodded, feeling increasingly overwhelmed. “Okay...”

"I know this is all a lot to take in, especially during your first session."

Cheryl nodded silently. Toni brought her other hand to hold Cheryl’s between her two, trying to calm her. It was something she’d done right from the outset of their relationship, something she knew calmed the other girl down.

"Has anything specific brought you to therapy? Anything that you feel you'd like to work on first or prioritize?"

Toni looked to Cheryl for confirmation before speaking up softly. “It’s been a hard week... a lot of stuff happened with her mom and our friends a couple days ago...” She wasn’t going to bring up Jason just yet, even though that was the catalyst for all of this.

"Can you tell me some more about that?"

Cheryl whimpered. “She tr-tried to kill our friends...”

"That must have been a very scary experience for you all." This was certainly a new one for Lucy.

“Yeah...” Cheryl whispered, her hand shaking in Toni’s. “She’s not... a nice woman.” Her mind flashed back to countless nights when her mother would hit her until she couldn’t move, her free hand going subconsciously to a large scar on her thigh.

Lucy watched Cheryl's unconscious actions, keen to see what Toni did in response.

Toni reached out with one of her hands to place it over the top of Cheryl’s. “You’re okay,” she whispered. “Focus on now... focus on me, okay?”

"She's not?" Lucy made a couple more notes, wondering how Cheryl would handle a session without Toni. She guessed it was something the redhead would find rather difficult at the moment.

Cheryl shook her head. “No... not at all.”

"Do you feel like you can elaborate on that for me?"

Cheryl’s breath caught. “N-no...” more images ran through her head... _if you tell anyone I’ll kill you_... Jason’s decaying corpse...

Toni squeezed her hand again. “Cher...”

"That's perfectly okay Cheryl. There's no rush for any of this..you talk when you're ready. If that's not today, that's no problem."

Cheryl hardly heard her, focusing completely on Toni, trying not to dwell on any of the thoughts rushing through her mind. “N-not today,” she said distantly.

"That's okay Cheryl" Lucy offered her a soft smile. She sensed that was only the very tip of the iceberg.

Toni had Cheryl’s hands clasped tight in her own, and through her fingers she could feel Cheryl’s shaking. “You okay, baby?” She whispered softly, but Cheryl shrugged, retreating farther and farther into her shell as she closed herself off from this new person who seemed so invested in her life.

"You've done really well today" Lucy encouraged. "I know it's not easy to talk about such personal details of your life with a stranger, but I hope that you'll feel able to open up the longer we spend together. Something I like to make all my patients aware of is the fact that these sessions are confidential. Whatever you share with me stays in this room, unless you ask me to share it with someone else."

Cheryl nodded, her chest constricting. “So... no one can find out _anything_ I tell you?”

Lucy shook her head. "Nothing at all.." she wondered what Cheryl was so fearful of anyone finding out.

“Okay,” Cheryl said simply.

"Something for you to think about.." Lucy looked at them both. "I always like to give you a little something to do before our next session. What I'd like you to do is make a list of atleast 3 things you want to achieve by coming to therapy and bring it with you next time to share with me."

Cheryl’s brow furrowed. “Homework?” She hadn’t counted on having to think about all of this in between sessions...

"I guess you could call it that" Lucy nodded with a smile. "When you leave this room, often what we've talked about can leave you feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable. Giving you some homework can help to focus your mind."

Raw and vulnerable was _exactly_ how Cheryl felt right now. “Okay,” she agreed, clutching Toni’s hand in hers.

"Will I be seeing you both next time as well?"

Toni opened her mouth but Cheryl spoke up quickly with wide eyes. “Yeah. Both of us.”

Toni frowned. “I really think -”

“ _Please_ , TT.”

Toni gave Lucy a tight smile. “We’ll see.”

"Both of you is fine. Maybe you coming alone can be more of a..long term goal Cheryl?"

Cheryl shook her head, her breathing quickening. “I c-can’t, Toni -”

“Okay,” Toni said gently. “Both of us, for the time being. Okay?”

"You're okay Cheryl..." Lucy had so many questions but knew now was not the time to ask .

 _Was she okay? What even was okay?_ Cheryl wasn’t sure but she knew that she was with Toni, with this kind, unusual lady and safe - not with her parents, not at the sisters, not at the farm. She was _fine_. 

Toni ran her thumb over the skin on Cheryl’s knuckles softly, her touch feather-light and oh-so-calming. “You’re doing so well, babe,” she whispered, and Cheryl nodded, taking a deep breath.

"If you'd like to end today's session there Cheryl, we can do". She could tell that even after their relatively short time together, the session had been hard on Cheryl.

Cheryl nodded, tears stinging at the back of her eyes, ready to get out of there and for Toni to hold her. “Yes, please,” she croaked. “T-thank you.”

"When would you like to come back? I have some free appointments this Friday if that suits?" She didn't want to leave a big gap, fearing Cheryl wouldn't come back if she left it too long.

“F-Friday?” That was so _soon_.

“Friday would be great,” Toni said quickly. “Thank you, Lucy.”

"You're both very welcome." She scribbled something down on paper. "This is my number. If you need me before Friday, you can contact me on this."

Toni nodded, taking it, wary of the way Cheryl seemed to tug at her wrist to pull her out of the room. “Thank you so much,” she said again, giving a soft smile to the therapist and throwing a worried look at Cheryl. “We should get going...”

"Of course. Have a good week. I'll see you both Friday." She smiled to them as they left.  
...

Cheryl wouldn’t look at Toni as she pulled her out, instead letting out a soft whimper and burying her head in the shorter girl's chest. She was full of such a mix of emotions right now... she felt almost unstable as the mix of emotions tumbled through her.

"Baby..i'm right here.." she kept her close, getting them both to the car and into the back seat so she could hug her girlfriend properly.

Cheryl moaned lowly, sinking down into the seat and next to Toni. She wasn’t quite sure what she felt... how she’d even put it into words if Toni asked.

"You did so well Cher.." Toni soothed. "I am so _proud_ of you right now."

Cheryl’s chest warmed at that one word. She did something to make Toni proud. "R-Really?” Her voice was little more than a croak.

" _So_ proud.." Toni kissed the side of her head.

Cheryl sank against her. “That was so hard, TT.”

"I know babe..but you did it. You stayed..and you talked."

“Only a little,” Cheryl said with a frown. “I’m sorry, Toni, I just froze up! And none of my words were working, I’m sorry, I should’ve said more, I’ve disappointed you... I’m sorry.”

"No.. _no_ Cher. You haven't disappointed me _at all_. I know how scary all this is for you..it's not going to happen overnight."

“Promise?” Cheryl asked, cuddling close, her head in Toni’s neck. “I don’t really wanna go back, TT...”

"I promise. And I know you don't baby but it's going to help. She seems really nice..I know she can help."

Cheryl sighed. “But... it’s so _hard_ , Toni... how can it be worth it? Why can’t I just snuggle with you?”

"You can have _all_ the snuggles the rest of the time kay? I know it's hard but we have to trust it will be worth it in the end. Arizona says she's the best."

Cheryl pouted childishly. “Arizona blah blah... I don’t like her. I don’t wanna go back.”

" _Well_...lets just give it a few more sessions before you decide if you like her or not babe."

Cheryl huffed, nodding. “Fine. But only because I love you... not because I want to. Coz I don’t.”

"Thank you" she cupped Cheryl's cheek and kissed her lips softly.

Cheryl leant up into the kiss with a sigh. “You know you’re the only one who can make me feel better,” she whispered. “Not some therapist. _You_ , Toni. You’re it for me.”

"I'm glad I can do that for you. You do that for me too..everyday. But there's some things even I can't fix that Lucy can help with. Help us _both_ with."

Cheryl sighed, closing her eyes as tears welled in them. “I know,” she whispered, her voice tight with tears. “I’m just so scared, Toni...”

"What are you scared of?" Toni pushed gently.

Cheryl’s lip trembled. “E-Everything,” she whispered. “The whole idea of telling someone I hardly know my deepest secrets... that she’ll find out everything I’ve worked so hard for so long to hide.” The lump in her throat grew, pressing uncomfortably against her throat as she talked.

"We've talked about this before.." Toni whispered, her thumb grazing gently over Cheryl's knuckles. "You don't have to keep it all inside anymore remember?"

Cheryl bit her lip. “But what if my mom finds out... or your uncle... or _anyone_.” She was so damn scared, so petrified that she wasn’t free from her past like Toni said she was. “I’m so scared, TT.”

"She's not allowed to tell anyone babe. They have rules about all that. She could lose her job if she did."

Cheryl’s face crumpled. “But she still _could_.”

"Yes she could. But so could anyone we trust in life. At some point we have to take a leap of faith and trust a bit."

“I c-can’t do that,” Cheryl whispered. “You’re the only one I trust, Toni... too many people, I’ve trusted them, and they’ve left me for dust... I can’t just _trust_. It’s not - it’s not like that!” She started to cry, her chest shaking. “It’s not like that.” She repeated softly.

"It doesn't feel that way now..but in time..hopefully it will. And I can keep coming with you for as long as you need."

“Don’t leave me,” Cheryl murmured. “Please don’t ever leave me.”

"I'll never, ever leave you, I promise.."

“No, Toni -“ Cheryl interrupted her. “You don’t understand... I’m so broken. So crazy - if you’re in this, you have to get that - I’m a freak. I have all this stuff wrong with me and I do these crazy things and I’m petrified I can’t fix it... that I’m just wired this way - if you want to leave, leave now. I can - I can take it... but you can’t stick around for this and make me think I can rely on you even more than I do already and then leave because it’ll _break_ me, Toni, I can’t.... I can’t -“ she broke off into tears, clutching tight at the smaller girl’s top so that the fabric was wrung in her squeezed fists. “I - I c-can’t...”

"Cheryl..Cher.." Toni desperately needed Cheryl to hear what she was about to say. "You're not a freak..or broken. There is _nothing_ wrong with you. And I'm never leaving okay? I love you like I have never loved anyone my entire life. I am in this for the long haul...afraid you're stuck with me."

Cheryl hiccuped, her breathing shuddering. “T-Toni,” she cried. “I l-love you.”

She didn’t know how to put it more than that. It was both terribly complicated and that simple - she _loved_ Toni, and sometimes, like now - that was enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! ❤️
> 
> Having your support as we go on this writing journey means a lot to us.
> 
> We would love to incorporate any ideas you have into this so feel free to add them in a comment below.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl opens up a little more and makes some progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 4. Cheryl opens up a little more. TW for mentions of past abuse and feelings of suicide.

Cheryl couldn't believe she was stuck in Lucy's office again. Surely this was all pointless, how much could talking about anything actually help.

"So.." Lucy started with a bright smile once they were both settled opposite her on the couch.  
"How are you both doing today?" she observed the way Cheryl clung to Toni's hand, her anxiety clearly high. She hoped that as their sessions continued, Cheryl would become more relaxed.

"I'm good," Toni said, hoping if she talked Cheryl would too.

Cheryl looked at her lap. "I'm okay," she whispered. Toni frowned - Cheryl had been chirpy up until the minute they got into the car, falling silent and anxious as they drove towards their appointment. She squeezed Cheryl's thigh with her spare hand, a silent 'you're doing good'.

"Good.." she smiled with a small nod. "And how did you get on with homework I gave you Monday?"

"G-Good," Cheryl whispered. She drew a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket with trembling fingers.

"Thank you Cheryl. Do you think you could read out what you wrote?" She was very keen to hear what Cheryl thought, it would help her structure her sessions better to suit Cheryl.

Cheryl took a deep breath, her hand crushing Toni's in a death grip as she read out her list shakily. "I wanna... learn how to manage the panic attacks..." she looked at Toni, who gave her a reassuring smile. "Find out w-why I feel like this... and s-so I can stop..." she trailed off, looking sheepishly at Toni. The pink haired girl didn't know what was coming next. "So TT's not always b-burdened with my problems... so someone else can help and I c-can give her a break."

Toni shot her a frown, but didn't say anything, because she knew that the main reason Cheryl was back here in this very room was because she felt as if she'd disappoint Toni if she didn't... if Cheryl needed to convince herself that she was doing it for Toni, Toni wouldn't complain, as long as they got some true help.

"Those are all really valid reasons" Lucy noted down what Cheryl had said. "Thank you for sharing your reasons with me." Even that felt like a big step considering how hard Cheryl had found things last week.

Cheryl nodded, teeth worrying her lip as she looked to Toni.

"Good job, babe," Toni whispered. "You're doing so well."

"During our last session, you started to talk about your mother. Do you think you could tell me a bit about her involvement in your life? I notice she is not on your emergency contact list."

Cheryl flinched, her eyes flicking anxiously to Toni's. "I-I can't..."

"I know these things can be difficult to talk about, but this is a safe space Cheryl. Nothing you say in here leaves this room okay?"

Cheryl nodded. "I k-know... I j-just... I've never spoken about it b-before."

"And coming to therapy is a huge step. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable is a scary thing to do."

"Yeah," Cheryl agreed. "God, yes..." she let out a nervous laugh.

"I'm not going to lie..these sessions are going to make you feel very emotionally raw and vulnerable. But we always close the session with a positive so you leave feeling better."

Cheryl did _not_ like the sound of that. "That's... not very reassuring..."

Toni snorted. "It's gonna be a good thing, baby, I know it will."

"I just want you to be prepared for that.." Lucy reminded her.

"Take your time Cheryl, tell me what you can about your mom."

Cheryl let out a long sigh. "She's... not a good woman.."

"Can you elaborate on that?"

Cheryl bit her lip. “She... doesn’t really l-like me...”

"She doesn't?" Lucy wanted to give Cheryl space to talk without forcing too many questions on her.

Cheryl shook her head, focusing on Toni, pretending Lucy wasn't even there. "She used to h-hurt me... whenever I'd do anything wrong... and she hates that I like girls..." She looked up, quickly making eye contact with Lucy before turning back to Toni. "She sent me to the Sisters..." Toni's eyes were kind, urging her on, and Cheryl felt herself get lost in them, almost completely forgetting that Lucy was in the room. "You know she sent me there, TT... what kind of mom _does_ that?"

Toni leant forward to press a quick kiss to Cheryl's head. "That was so good, baby girl... god, I'm so proud of you..."

Cheryl was shaking as she looked back up to Lucy and blinked. "I -" she turned back to Toni. "That wasn't good... I shouldn't have said anything... she's gonna hurt, us, why did I open my mouth? She's gonna find out, gonna hurt me, and you, Toni, she's gonna hurt you..."

"Cheryl..Cheryl.." Lucy worked to get her attention. "She's not going to find out or hurt you. This is a safe space."

Cheryl nodded, catching her breath. “P-promise??”

"I promise.." Lucy nodded gently.

Cheryl closed her eyes. “I’m s-sorry... it’s just hard for me to believe..”

"I know trust takes time. That's okay."

Toni squeezed her hand and Cheryl was reminded of how long it had taken her to trust her.

"You've already done so well, sharing with me what you have. The way you were treated by your mother was not okay."

Cheryl nodded. “I know... but - but why did she treat me like that? Like... I wanna know why... did I deserve it? Was I really that much of a disappointment?”

"It's very difficult to understand why we are treated the way we are, particularly when it's negative and hurtful."

“I don’t get it,” Cheryl whispered. “I tried _so hard_.... and for what? One less bruise?”

"Did you ever tell anyone about the way you were treated?" Lucy didn't feel like this was something Cheryl had talked about often, if at all.

Cheryl shook her head quickly. “My b-brother didn’t notice... I only ever told TT.”

"That's must have been difficult to keep inside for so long."

Cheryl’s lip trembled. “Y-Yeah...”

"What does your relationship look like with your mother now?"

Cheryl tensed, letting out a soft whimper, and Toni wrapped an arm around her waist with a soothing murmur. “Non-existent,” Toni said softly to Lucy, smoothing her fingers over Cheryl’s hip.

"If it was up to you..is that how you'd want it?"

Cheryl shrugged, looking at her feet. “I just wanted someone to love me,” she whispered meekly, and Toni felt her heart break, leaning in to press her lips softly against Cheryl’s cheek.

"I can think of one person that loves you very much Cheryl.." Lucy said softly. Toni's love for her was clear.

Cheryl bit her lip, eyes meeting Toni’s. Toni gave her a sad smile, shifting over to pull her into a warm hug. “I love you _so_ much,” she breathed, peppering kisses across Cheryl’s cheek.

“Love you too,” Cheryl said softly, a small smile on her lips.

Lucy sat back, letting them have their moment together.

“You okay?” Toni whispered, smiling as Cheryl gave her a small nod.

"The way the two of you interact is so caring and loving" Lucy observed softly.

It had always been that way - soft and sweet and the perfect mix of giving and taking. Toni knew that she and Cheryl were lucky with the way they simply _worked_. “Yeah,” she said quietly, grazing her thumb across Cheryl’s knuckles.

"Cheryl..you said you wanted someone to love you. Is that the love of a parent you feel you're missing out on?"

“Of _anyone_ ,” Cheryl murmured. “Before Toni, no one cared - no one at all... if it wasn’t for her...” she broke off, biting her lip.

"What would have happened if it wasn't for Toni, Cheryl?"

Cheryl scratched anxiously at the skin between her thumb and forefinger. "I..." She looked at Toni. "I d-don't think I'd s-still be here..."

Toni's eyes filled with tears as she placed her hand over Cheryl's, her heart clenching.

"What makes you think that?" Lucy didn't want to assume .

Cheryl whimpered, not able to look at anyone, her hand sweating under Toni's. "I-I wouldn't _want_ to be here... w-want to be a-alive," Cheryl whispered, sucking on her lower lip. She felt a tear roll down her face and swiped it away quickly, swallowing.

"Do you ever still feel that way now?"

Toni could feel Cheryl shrinking into herself slowly and rubbed "S-Sometimes...not really though anymore.." Cheryl whispered. "But... but I'd never actually d- _do_ anything this t-time, because... because I want to b-be with T- _Toni_ " She burst into proper tears, falling against Toni as the smaller girl rubbed soft circles on her back and shot an anxious look at Lucy.

"Thank you for sharing that with me. I know how hard it can be to talk about how you're feeling like that. It was really brace of you to share so honestly with me."

Cheryl nodded, little whimpers falling from her lips as she buried her face in Toni's shoulder.

"Toni?" Lucy asked, looking at the shorter girl comforting her girlfriend. "Is there anything you'd like to say to Cheryl right now?"

Toni let out a shaky breath. "S-So much," she whispered.

"It's okay to say it Toni. The floor is yours."

Toni tried to pretend Lucy wasn't there, leaning down and tilting Cheryl's face up to hers. "Ch-Cher," she breathed. "I - I love you so much.... and I'm so proud of you, and you make me the goddamn happiest I've ever been..., you know I'm not good with words... but god Cheryl, I love you. More than I've ever loved anything or anyone before..." There was so much more she had to say, but it could wait til they were home. Til they were alone.

"I feel the same.." Cheryl whispered, lost in Toni's gaze. "And you're great with words T." She added with a small laugh.

"Better with my fingers," Toni whispered, so quietly that Lucy couldn't hear, and Cheryl let out a loud laugh, a strong blush lighting up her pale cheeks.

"Having a strong relationship like the one you girls have will really help you."

Cheryl nodded, sitting up and wiping her eyes with a quick smile at Toni. "It's what keeps me going," she whispered.

"That's so important. I expect there are other things that do that too. Things you haven't even thought much about."

Cheryl frowned. "L-Like what?"

"Things like friends, music, hobbies. It's something we can explore more in future sessions.'

Cheryl nodded softly. "O-Okay..."

"You've done so well today..." Lucy praised.

"D-Do I get to go home now?" Cheryl asked, drawing a slight laugh from Toni.

"Very soon" Lucy promised.

"Soon," Cheryl grumbled. "My least favourite word."

"There will come a time Cheryl, when I hope you'll actually enjoy our sessions."

Cheryl shrugged, flinching as Toni's phone rung loudly in her pocket. Looking at the caller ID and seeing Archie's number, she shot Cheryl an apologetic look. "I gotta take this babe, I'll be back in a minute."

She left the room and Cheryl felt herself shrink backwards slightly, swallowing thickly as she tried to manage her anxiety.

"Cheryl.." Lucy Murmured. "Talk to me about how you're feeling right now.."

Cheryl shook her head, her chest tightening. "T-Toni..."

"She'll be back..you're okay.."

"'M not..." Cheryl whimpered, pulling her knees to her chest as she tried to focus her breathing. She felt as if she was floating away, trapped in her own mind, her body shaking heavily. "I'm _not_!"

"Listen to my voice Cheryl. Focus on that.." Lucy started. "Tell me 5 things you can see in here.."

Fat tears rolled down Cheryl's cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut, heart thumping painfully. "C-Can't..."

"Yes you can. Take some slow deep breaths and focus. You can do it Cheryl. Have a try.."

Cheryl felt her breath hitch in her chest and she gasped wildly, her eyes flying open as she choked. " _H-Help me_..."

"You're okay..." she soothed. "Focus on breathing with me...in..and out..slow, deep breaths. That will help.."

Cheryl whined, sucking a shaky breath shallowly into her lungs.

"That's it..you're doing great. Keep breathing for me. When you're ready, tell me what you can see."

Cheryl shuddered. “D-Desk,” she whispered. “I n-need To-Toni...”

"That's right..you can see the desk. What else?"

Cheryl shook her head. “I need Toni!” She started to flail around, looking everywhere for the other girl. “P-Please...”

"She's coming back. While you wait, I _know_ you can do this Cheryl. Focus on keeping your breathing even and tell me what you can see.."

Cheryl’s mind was a complete blur, focusing only on Toni and the fact she wasn’t there. “I c-can’t see an-anything,” she gasped.

"Can you see that painting behind my chair?" her voice was calm, hoping it would impact on Cheryl too. "It's one of my favorites. Tell me some of the things you can see in the picture Cheryl."

Cheryl coughed, forcing her eyes open as tears continued to fall down her cheeks. “H-Horse,” she whispered.

"That's right, what else?" She knew of Cheryl focused on this, it would help her to calm down.

“Uh - the.. the ocean,” Cheryl bit her lip, her chest heaving. “S-sand...”

"What else is on the sand?" Lucy asked, knowing Cheryl would have to focus and look closely. She was pleased when Cheryl started to calm down.

Cheryl took a deep, shuddering breath. “F-footprints,” she whispered. “And sh...shells.”

"Well done Cheryl..that's really good.." she praised. "You're doing really well. Have you heard of a technique called grounding before?"

Cheryl shrugged, still focussing on her breathing. “T-Toni tells me to try that stuff sometimes.."

"Do you find it helps?"

“I guess so...” Cheryl wasn’t quite sure _what_ helped. She generally just rode them out with Toni’s help until she felt better.

When Toni came back in, Lucy smiled at her. "Maybe the three of us can talk a talk more about using grounding as a technique to help with your anxiety".

Cheryl looked up to Toni with a quiet whine, tapping her foot anxiously. Toni gave her a quick smile, frowning slightly at her girlfriend’s swollen cheeks before sitting next to her and grasping her hand.

"Cheryl...do you think you can share with Toni what happened when she left the room?"

Cheryl took a shaky breath, looking up at Toni with wide eyes. Toni smiled softly.

“K-kinda fr-freaked out,” she whispered so quietly that Toni had to strain to hear it.

"Can you elaborate on that Cheryl?" What Lucy has observed had been fairly extreme.

Cheryl whimpered again. “I-I don’t know what happened... my ch-chest...” She was pretty ashamed of what didn’t seem like such a big deal now that Toni was back next to her.

“Your chest, baby?” Toni prompted gently.

“Tight,” Cheryl said quietly. “I couldn’t breathe...”

"I helped Cheryl to focus on slowing her breathing and grounding herself in the present."

Toni looked up. “So it was a panic attack? Do you know what caused it?” She still had Cheryl’s hand grasped tight in hers. “How can _I_ do - grounding? How did it manage to work for you and not me?”

"The technique gets whoever you're with to bring themselves out of their own head and focus on the _now_. Five things they can see, four they can touch, three hear, two smell and one feel."

“I try that,” Toni murmured, feeling a little bit stupid. “It doesn’t normally work...” if she couldn’t get Cheryl to calm down, why could Lucy?

"I think that... Cheryl.. you're so used to being able to calm down simply by being in Toni's presence, you feel you don't need to use the grounding technique around her."

Cheryl nodded. “So when she wasn’t there... I didn’t know what to do.”

"And that would have only heightened your anxiety i'm sure Cheryl."

Cheryl nodded, more tears filling her eyes. “I’m s-sorry, TT..”

“Why, baby? You have nothing to be sorry for!”

Cheryl shrugged. “I’m so needy. I couldn’t even last without you for ten minutes!”

"Part of our work together can be spent on looking at giving you coping strategies to use when Toni isn't around."

Cheryl wanted to cry simply at the words ‘without Toni’. “Okay...”

"I think it would be really good for you to try and attend atleast part of each session without Toni.."

Cheryl’s breath hitched again. How could Lucy say that when she’d just seen firsthand what happened. “I d-don’t know...”

"The more you do it, the easier it will become."

Cheryl bit her lip, but Toni gave her a soft smile. "She's right, babe. We'll be okay."

"You will..both of you" she nodded at them with a smile.

Toni looked across at her. “Do you think we’re done for the day?”

"I think that would probably be a good place to end today's session.." she pulled a piece of paper off her desk. "Cheryl..i'd like you to try using the grounding technique whenever you're feeling anxious. You did really well today."

“Okay,” Cheryl whispered. “I’ll try.”

"Toni? I know how quickly your presence calms Cheryl when she's feeling anxious. Do you think you could take a step back and try using the grounding technique with her too?"

Toni nodded, ignoring Cheryl’s pained sob, and smiled at Lucy. “I will... thank you for today.”

"When would you like to come again?" She opened her diary.

Cheryl frowned. “Never?”

Toni gave her a sharp look. “How about Tuesday?”

"I know things feel hard at the moment Cheryl, but it will get better, I promise. Tuesday is great. Same time?"

Cheryl nodded, a frustrated sigh escaping her lips. It felt like Lucy was trying to make things harder rather than better - taking Toni away, trying to get her to ride out her panic attacks when it just made it _worse_. “I’ll be there with _bells_ on,” she said sarcastically, earning her a soft frown from Toni.

"I look forward to seeing you next week.." Lucy didn't rise to her comments, knowing how hard it was for Cheryl right now.

“I don’t,” Cheryl whispered under her breath, and Toni gave her a warning glare, smiling through her teeth at Lucy. “Me too,” Toni said, smiling thankfully. “Thank you.”

Lucy showed them to the door, hoping cheryl would actually come back next week.

Toni raised an eyebrow at Cheryl as they walked out. “Was that really necessary?”

Cheryl was on the verge of tears. "I don't think I like her anymore."

Toni frowned. “Why not? What changed?” What had _happened_ in the ten minutes she’d spoken to Archie?

"Nothing.." Cheryl closed her arms over her chest, a stony look on her face. "I just think maybe she's not the therapist for me."

They stopped at the car. “Really?" Toni knew there had to be more to this than what Cheryl was saying. "If you really think that, we could look for someone new... but if there’s a reason, something she did, let's talk about it, okay?”

"I don't..I didn't like how she handled things."

“How did she handle things Cher?” Toni asked, sliding into the driver's seat and taking Cheryl’s hand across the console.

"When you left..my anxiety got really bad."

Toni’s heart sank. “Did it?”

"And stupid Lucy just kept making me breathe and look for stuff in the room and I just wanted _you_."

“I know you did baby... but maybe Lucy’s got the right idea?” She didn’t want to upset Cheryl further.

"I needed you, not her stupid idea."

"Okay," Toni said gently. "I'm here now... you're okay... and her 'stupid' idea worked, didn't it?" She was aware Cheryl was one comment away from breaking completely.

Cheryl shrugged, saying nothing.

"Baby," Toni said, a little firmer. "Did it work?"

"I guess so" she shrugged. "Not like when I'm with you though."

"I know, baby," Toni said gently. "But sometimes I'm not here... maybe it's a good thing that you have something else that works?"

"Maybe" she shrugged, arms folded over her chest again.

Toni sighed. "Cher... I _know_ it's hard, I get that. But sometimes I'm not going to be there, whether I like it or not, and I really don't want to be the reason you can't calm down, okay? I'm trying to help."

"I know you are.." she sighed.

"What can I do?"

"I want to snuggle with you on the couch and just..forget about everything."

"Well let's do that then," Toni said with a smile, pushing the car into gear and turning out onto the street.

"God yes.." she needed to just forget everything and get lost in her girlfriend's arms.

They spent the drive in silence, each girl lost in their own thoughts until suddenly Toni turned into the driveway of Thistle House and pulled up to their home.

Cheryl was out of the car quickly, unlocking the door, keen to get in and forget the afternoon.

Toni followed her with a soft sigh, locking the door behind her before heading into the kitchen and calling out to her girlfriend. "Cher? Do you want anything?"

"Only you.." she smiled, climbing onto the couch.

Toni's face lit up in a small smile as she made her way over to the couch and gathered Cheryl in her arms.

"I've never felt so happy to be in your arms as I do right now."

Toni bit her lip. "Cher... what you told Lucy... about - about feeling like - like you don't wanna be here... how often does it happen?"

"It doesn't really..not anymore. Not since I have been with you."

"If - if it does," Toni said seriously. " _Promise_ me you'll tell me. Promise, Cher."

"I promise I would T".

Toni shook her head, tears brimming in her eyes. "You have to, Cher... I can't lose you, I can't - please, please don't leave me..."

"I never would, I promise."

"O-Okay." She pulled Cheryl tight against her, pressing her lips to the redhead's brow. "I need you."

"I need you too. You give me life TT."

"And you give _me_ life," Toni whispered. "I - I couldn't live without you."

"I feel the same"

Toni gave her a watery smile. "Cher..."

"Yeah?"

"I love you so much" Toni whispered. "If anything were to happen - if I ever upset you, did something that made you sad... I'd be so pissed at myself. So - so if you really, _really_ don't want to go back to Lucy, you don't have to. I just want you to be happy."

"If I don't go back to her.." she started slowly. "I gotta start all over with someone new."

“That’s true,” Toni said gently.

"And I don't wanna do that."

“Okay.” Toni didn’t want to assume anything. “So you think... we could go back to her?”

"I guess so" she shrugged non commitedly.

“You don’t have to make up your mind right now.”

"Okay" she would think about it. Maybe Lucy wasn't so bad.

Toni sighed softly, pulling Cheryl closer against her. “I love you... you know that, right?”

"Yeah..I love you too.." she wondered where Toni was going with this.

“I just wanna make sure you know,” Toni said with a slight sniff. “More than anything in this world, I love you.”

"I know. You're the only one who's ever truly loved me."

Toni nodded quietly, burying her face in Cheryl’s hair.

"You taught me how to love and what real love feels like."

“Good,” Toni said softly, pressing her lips against the crown of Cheryl’s head.

"And I'll always be grateful for that TT."

“As I will always be grateful for you, baby,” Toni whispered, pulling Cheryl tighter against her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make us so happy! What would you like to see happen next in this story? ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think of chapter 1?
> 
> We have this roughly planned out but there's still lots of opportunities to add in things you want to see..let us know!
> 
> We look forward to reading your comments and look forward to sharing this journey with you all ❤️💜


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